as a reminder: don't be funny at work.

Our work fridge gets stank. One time, I cleaned it out+someone had a bag full of meat that had leaked+there was blood+pathogens+cooties EVERYWHERE. But, whatever, sometime you gotta shop at lunch to bring home the bacon. Literally. Stank fridge is one of those things where you take the good with the bad. The good: I get a paycheck. The bad: sometimes work people leave their stank food in the fridge.

Another stinky culprit is the microwave. I’m not a fan of microwaves. *Jerry Seinfeld voice* I mean, what exactly are micro waves, anyway? But that’s a whole ‘nother paranoid rant that I’ll save for another time, or not.

ANYWAY.

The work fridge gets stank cus we’re human. We forget that we brought something+it hangs in the fridge for a few weeks+get’s furry. Me, personally? I don’t really put food in the work fridge. I’m a grazer, so I eat all day+I usually bring dry foods to eat+aside from that, I stay away from common areas (lunch room, break room, near the copier, the water cooler, etc…) as much as possible. Cus when you’re in common areas at work, people what to talk to you. I don’t really like alla that talking shit at work… If I had my way, I’d be like Milton in Office Space+work in some work dungeon. Srsly. I’d be so much happier.

THAT ASIDE:

The work fridge gets stank. So, there’s a fridge cleaning every other Thursday. Folks are assigned days+they send out an email reminding everyone that if there name+date isn’t on food in the fridge, it’ll get tossed.

This past Thursday, I brought yogurt into work. The fridge-cleaning email went out+I thought ‘I better put my name/date on my yogurt or it’ll get tossed+I’ll be sorrrrrrrrrrrrrry.’ Well, I got side-tracked+forgot. Friday, I go to the fridge for my yummy yogurt. I brought in my bag of oats that I keep at my desk ready to pour into my yogurt. I had my cup of water, my phone cus I was gonna play Words with Friends while I took 3 minutes away from my desk during a slow time in the common work area of the break room. Just as I was about to get my probiotic+live+active cultures on, I realized that my yogurt was tossed the day before. Another apathetic victim of the weekly fridge cleaning. Totally my bad. I literally groaned+pouted for about five minutes. Then I pulled myself up by my denim belt loops (cus it was casual Friday+all)+thought, NO MORE. No more will I lose a yogurt to the fridge cleaner+my co-workers shouldn’t either. So, here’s what I did:

• Found a permanent marker.
• Rubberbanded the marker to the fridge in a way that someone couldn't just walke off with it, but they'd still be able to mark their foods.
• Wrote a funny note about how I didn't want anyone to end up like me: sad+yogurtless on a Friday.
• Felt good about it.

Well, today (Monday), I go into the break room to do a drive-by water fill (make it quick; keep my eyes down; pretend I don’t notice anyone else in there; don’t socialize by any means necessary). Just as I’m about to leave, I look up+see that, while the marker was still on the fridge, my note was removed.

???

I mean, the note wasn’t mean or anything. I didn’t call anyone out for anything. I even said in the note that it was my bad that my yogurt got tossed. But someone took it down… Why? No jokes allowed, or what?  

As a side note, there are about five other notes in the break room reminding people to flush the sink down after they use it, telling them to refill the paper towel container if they used the last bit of paper towel, advising that certain foods like broccoli+fish shouldn’t be microwaved cus they stink up the office, etc.etc.etc. It’s like Captain Obvious gets to leave a note, but I leave a note cus I KNOW I’m not the only one who forgets to put their name/date on foods+mine gets removed.

This is why I keep these people at arm’s length. Cus, seriously... Why? Am I being irrationally upset right now? Is this lingering bitterness about not having my yogurt? Do I retaliate? I want to know why you think someone would take my note down.

fuck yo' candle.

Nothing brings the mean out in me quite like work.

A co-irker - the smile-in-your-face, psuedo-soccer-mom, pill-popping, suburb-dwelling, crappy-candle-crappy-makeup-crappy-handbag-crappy-diet-drink-party-having, "you're-different-than-other-black-people-Goldie" kind of co-irker - threw me under the bus one day. In turn, I set the record straight with those involved (I won)+threw away some funky ass toxic-ladden candle she gave me for Xmas one year that had been sitting in my desk for months. She was a bad seed+I didn't want her bad juju near my stuff.

I remember tossing it at the end of the day+thinking the cleaning folks would dump it out. Through some fluke, they didn't toss it+co-worker, having peered into my rubbish bin (for whatever reason) asked me a few days later how I liked the candle that she'd given me.

She knew I tossed it because it was the first time we'd talked since throwing me under the bus+I'd kept her shitty candle stuffed away in my desk for MONTHS.

I told her I couldn't find it...

Morals of the story:

• Don't let anyone that isn't your people tell you that you're different than your people. Ever. This isn't pertinent to the story, really. Just don't let people talk to you that way.
• Don't take candles from bitchez. Candles are lightweight dumb home accessories anyway. I mean, have you ever been at someone's house+they have a dusty ass candle sitting around. Why?!
• Keep your shit straight so that bitchez can't throw you under the bus. Document, document, document. Do your work to the best of your ability. And then leave work at work.

straight-girl office crush.

There's a lady in my office that I've got a straight-girl crush on. There's a few reasons why we'd never work:

1. No office love. Ever.
2. She's a woman. I'm not into women. I love how they look. But when it comes down to the logistics, it's not my thing.

She's petite, dresses very snappy (large-cuffed trousers+fit blouses ... I HATE the word blouse). She looks like what Audrey Hepburn+Rosario Dawson's baby would look like if they could have a baby together.

We've occassionally said hi on the few instances that we've run into each other in our kinda big office. Nothing much more than that.

I decided I needed more face-time with my straight-girl office crush, so I walked up to her+asked what she does with her hair that makes it so cool looking. Her face bloomed like a flower+she starts going on+on about something like not washing it for a few days+wearing pins+curlers at night. I kinda didn't pick up the whole convo cus I kept thinking about how much I wanted to grab her hands+shove them into my hair while yelling, "LET'S HAVE A SLUMBER PARTY+TALK ABOUT BOYS+BRAID EACH OTHERS HAIR+DO THINGS THAT STRAIGHT, YET EXPERIMENTAL CHICKS LIKE TO DO!" I didn't yell it though. I kinda just nodded at what she was saying.

That was a while ago. At least 3 months back. I know this because it was during a period of this year that I'd stopped wearing deodorant cus I wanted to be freeeee of parabens+sh*t. While she's telling me about her awesome hair, I'm trying to keep my arms clutched to my body while thinking, "f*ck parabens." (btw, I've since started wearing deodorant again. I rock Tom's of Maine lavender deo+can now flail my arms with confidence.)

So yes. 3 months is a long time to go without talking with your straight-girl. The gap in chatting ended today.

She was in the lunch room, cutting up some veggies+look fly, as per the usual. I noticed the bag is from a local store+started a chat:

Me: I really like that store. They've got good produce.

Straight-Girl Office Crush: Yea! Some of the stuff is a little expensive, but there's quite a few reasonably priced things.

Co-Irker: (butting in) Pssssh. Everything there is more expensive than at Safeway.

Me: (thinking) B*TCH! SHUT UP! DON'T YOU SEE ME TRYING TO FRIENDSHIP-MACK ON THIS FOXY LADY?!

Me: (in real life) They've got pre-chopped butternut squash that's cheap+delicious. I pour some olive oil on it+sprinkle it with sea salt+ground pepper.

sidenote: I totally could have said just salt+pepper, but sea salt+ground pepper seems so much more worldly+impressive.

Straight-Girl Office Crush: Reeeeally?

Me: Yeah. It's good.

Straight-Girl Office Crush: Mmmmm. (then... I swear to you [though i might be imagining it] she licked her lips.)

Me: Yes. Well. Uh. Igottagotalktoyoulaterhaveagoodday!

Then I kinda stammered on out of there. I mean. It's normal for friends to lip their lips+talk about foods+stuff+it doesn't mean that I like her or that she likes me.

I'm tryin' to be one of her best friends, though.

farting is such sweet sorrow.

Farting is always funny. ALWAYS.

Co-irker (evil lady. eeevil.) went into the restroom steps before me. She proceeded into the stall reserved for handicapped people - a pet peeve of mine. I handled my wiz biz quickly, as per the usual. While I was washing my hands, co-irker lets a fat fart rip. Sounded like she was shooting an AK-47 into the toilet.

I knew she knew I was still in there.

Such sweet, smelly vindication.

I couldn't help but smile in the mirror+saunter on outta there with the knowledge that she was ripely embarrassed in the large stall while festering in her funk.

I mean, the flip side is that she did it on purpose. But that's hardly the case between co-irkers. Farting on purpose is more of a friendly gesture between confidants. Or maybe that's just me.