blah blah blahhhhg

that last title should have been, 'if anything.'

2012-07-02T22:30:58Z

Not 'It Anything.'

it anything...

2012-06-04T23:06:56Z

... I should write in this thing cus I'm paying for it.

enough!

2012-02-14T19:51:46Z

Yesterday, I was angrily washing dishes after having angrily eaten very lackluster takeout food that cost $38. I was kicking myself for having spent that much (granted, it fed 4 of us)+for having so many freaking dishes (there are only 3 of us living there most of the time) to wash.

I thought: I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

I shouldn't have brought home takeout (gummy, suspect chicken; slimy sauces; too much broccoli to serve as a filler to the 'meat' dishes - ARGH!). I should have made dinner. Or had some leftover from another dinner that I made during the weekend. I should have had a somewhat clean kitchen before we ate so cleanup wasn't such a hassle.

I was looking around my kitchen while R+I were eating at the table+Lorelai+Nyia were eating in the front of the house. Junky dinner, messy kitchen, rushed dinner, separate seating. Enough!

Then there were the dishes. The weekend dishes+the dishes from the crappy dinner. Too many dishes! ENOUGH!

Then there was no dessert. I'm not really a sweets person, but sometimes I want a piece of dark chocolate with some sea salt on it. There was none to be found. ENOUGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I've had enough.

I am a grown up with a kid. I'm still learning how to do things. I mean, Lorelai+I have made it this far without too many trips to the hospital or food poisoning. I somehow wrangled a hot+funny guy to move in+we mostly function like a family. His kids come over+it's hard at times but it is awesome. I'm happy. I'm grateful. Etc.

But, I'm not necessarily ok with how integral home things are going. I need to cook more. I need to spend less. I want cool furniture+a great bathroom+nice dishes. On a straw-that-broke-the-camels-back moment, while I was kinda scraping off the congealed ambiguous goo from the over-vegetabled meat dish last night, I came to the conclusion that I need to stop 'getting by' + I need to start 'settling in.'

I want evenings+mornings to be less rushed, because sometimes those are the only times during the week I get to see Lorelai (she goes to her dad's some weekends).

I want to cook more. I live with a chef. Like, a real live chef. But I NEED to know how to contribute in GOOD ways to what we eat. I mean. I've done fine, obviously. Lorelai ain't starving. But historically, we've eaten out at least once a week+the dinners that I make are so... blah. BLAH! Not unhealthy. Just, blah.

I want our house to be comfortable+inviting. It just feels like a college dorm right now. It's embarrassing at times, to me. GIVE ME COMFORT+WARM COLORZ!

How will I achieve this life change that I've totally blabbed about on here before?

With a list, of course! These are the things that came to me while I was scrubbing dishes+trying not to slam things:

Shop at the farmers market. There's a few every week. We have some of the best food in the world here. I gotta use it. Shop at the store less.
$10/day. This is for miscellaneous stuff that I buy throughout the day. Lunch, snacks, gum, magazines, whatever. I'm limiting myself to $10/day. What I don't spend, goes into a jar+goes back to the bank at the end of the pay cycle. I've done this before. It was a rewarding challenge.
Buy for the long term. This is re: home stuff. Stop taking stuff cus it's cheap/free/cute.
Make stuff: food, clothes, stuff for around the house.
Slow down.
CLEAN! Deep clean once/month. Less deep clean on the weekends. Maintain during the week.
Keep chocolate around the house.

I'm almost 30. But from what I've read online (where everything is true+pure) I'm not alone in my... discomfort or whatever it is that gave me the itch to write this stuff down.

And if you can't tell or if you don't know me or if you care or even if you don't: I'm disappointed with myself. Not anyone else. We all pull our parts in our house: Me, Lorelai, R. But I want to and finally CAN do more. So. That's where this is coming from. Angry self-feelings. Crazy, angry self-feelings. I've had enough. Change can always happen. I want our home to be better cus it can. So. There's that...

true.

2012-02-07T21:10:21Z

This thing isn't gonna write itself, huh?

more on running.

2011-12-16T13:37:16Z

This past Tuesday+per the previous post: I ran for most of 15 minutes in borrowed Chucks at the Y.

I'M SORE! FROM TUESDAY! What have I done wrong?!

I want to run some more, but I can hardly get up from my chair+walk around without creaking+lumbering about. Oof.

I actually did run for a few yesterday. From the BART parking lot to the BART platform. I didn't want to miss my train. Missing the train by seconds makes me so very upset. So defeated. So, I ran. I was sore+huffing by the time I got to the platform, but I didn't miss my train. And I wasn't angry. Cus see: running anywhere usually makes me SO angry. So. Freaking. Angry. Angrier than missing the train, I'd say. Like:

"I can't believe I'm running cus I didn't leave work on time+I know that the train comes at a certain time so why have I allowed myself to get to the train just in time for it to close on my nose while the people inside have a momentarily sympathetic look on their face. Now I have to run to catch the train. Run. RUN! HOOF! GO! SWEATING! LOOKING LIKE A GALLOPING PREYING MANTIS! ARGGGGH! DYINGGGGGG!"

That's how I used to feel running.

Now, I think I'm on an upswing as far as the fitness goes. I'm in so-so shape. my smaller clothes (that I keep - DUH!) are fitting me. I ran on Tuesday, December 12. I ran again to BART on December 14+didn't kick people off of the platform cus I missed my train+cus I hate running.

When will I stop being sore? I'm ready for the treadmill again.

i ran.

2011-12-14T04:10:21Z

Not this one:

This one:

Except a little less like that. A little more jiggly. A little less beach-y. A little more with shoes. A little less sexy.

But. I ran.

I ran for 15 minutes.

It was on the treadmill at the Y. 15 minutes. Well, I walked about 1 minute 24 seconds of it. I ran most of it, though. I was wearing some Chucks that my sister forgot that she lent to me a few years ago cus I can't find whatever shoes I have that would constitute as workout shoes. But, in some second-hand Chucks, huffing/puffing, with a foot/calf/stomach/brain cramp, next to a super fit 20-something - I ran. For most of 15 minutes.

Yes!

lorelai: 2. mom: 0.

2011-12-09T05:09:31Z

Me: It's almost time for bed.

Lorelai: Can I just read for a little bit longer? (1 POINT - LORELAI)

Me: Of course.

I look into her room+she's reading the freaking dictionary.

(2 POINTS - LORELAI)

She wins this round.

found: song.

2011-12-09T04:58:45Z

Before I found the 'Experience' paper, I found another one with song lyrics on it. Same handwriting. Same place I found the first one. I want to meet whoever wrote these.y?

Mostly cus he's dedicated to writing whatever he's writing. Awesome.

---

She said after school I'll roll up to LA.

Can't you imagine me on the screen someday?

With that walk and that talk of course I can.

Anyone would pay just to try to understand.

How did that mind and those moves get rolled into one?

They'd pay to dodge bullets from your smoking gun.

How deep can you cut with that tongue.

---

My back home manner was my main drain.

Said she could feel and hear it in the way I talked.

Said the boys out here don't quite understand just how to deal with a real woman.

That's why I letyou hang around the way I do.

And I don't mind that you're leaving soon.

found: experience.

2011-12-08T19:48:46Z

Found this on the sidewalk on the way to work. The voyeur in me (in all of us) is intrigued. I can't read all of the words. I'd hire this guy...

---

Experience

Manufactured (lots of drunk people in a bar in [SOMEWHERE])

Managed (to slip away from SP Police Dep.)

Planned

Designed

Lead a team

Implemented

Observed

Communicated

Created

Business

Operations

Coached

Produced (a certain plant)

Negotiating

Put in a position to be successful: Wingman for Jesse

Problem Solved

I've got the experience to do the job.

I'm the man you're looking for.

My repertoire is wide+deep

Don't know how you could ask for more

Panama late night

[SOMETHING] out of bars

Strip club in Canada

Smashed glasses

Job; Mob

lulu look at my ass.

2011-12-07T20:30:01Z

Have you heard of LuLuLemon? It's a workout clothing company.

There's one in town. I walk by, but never go in .I just can't seem to make work-out-specific clothes make sense.

SWEATS ARE SO MULTIFUNCTIONAL! You know those sweats you bought 6 years ago that are too small now? Not they're sexy lil house pants that you can sloppily seduce your lover with while you re-heat 2-day-old leftovers+drink wine that's been aerated cus you forgot to put the top back on last night. You know those sweats your partner has? They're your period pants when said partner doesn't notice. You know those sweats your ex left at your house before ya'll broke up? They're kindling for a fire. As far as tops - gimme a racerback tank any day! You can wear it to the gym+then wash your pits in the bathroom sink+roll out onto the streets+then take your bra off at the end of the day+you have instant pajamas. Or maybe I'm the only one that does these things.

Also, $$. I looked online. A pair of pants+a top will run you $100. That's from the sale section...

And then there's the fact that I've only done yoga once.

I mean, folks are into the clothes or the company wouldn't be in business. I'm sure the quality is superb+that they've got awesome customer service+that they take care of their employees. I haven't checked Yelp, but that's probably the case. Lululemon has made it. That's awesome for them. Really.

All of that aside, on the list of Last Things I Want To See On Any Given Day is: fit women in yoga clothes. And whadya know... at the store last night, I spotted one. She was right beside me in line.

Between quickly scarfing down the double-serving of cheese+cracker samples that I had Lorelai get for me from the cheese section+trying to simultaneously suck my stomach in+also trying to come across as flippantly confident, I'm pretty sure I was exuding sheer+utter core strength. My Downward Dog confidence was in full force. Bikram+Vinyasa ain't got shit on me when I'm feeling like crap!

Really tho... She was all:

And I was all: [imagine me looking all frumpy with cheese+crackers stuffed in my cheek+my stomach sucked in underneath all of my layers of non-form-fitting clothes+Lorelai standing next to me wondering why I was being all weird+staring at the lady next to me in such a salty way.]

The lady next to me didn't care.

I did. Obviously.

Or I wouldn't have noticed that she looked disheveled but totally hawt. She seemed to be lacking the guile to have planned her perfectly mussed hair+dewy glow. It's just how it she rolled after yoga or whatever. Then I looked at her butt when she turned around (you would have too. duh.) +it was pert+firm+there it was... the freaking Lululemon logo staring back at me.

KHAAAAAAN!

I gotta get back in shape, man. I don't think I'll buy workout clothes, but I wanna be in shape in such a way that I can almost justify needing special clothes for all the flexible+strong things that I do at the gym. Until that day. I should also prolly work on my self-confidence. Cus who cares who wears what at the grocery store? Heh. I DO!

So. Yes. Gym. But not tonight tho... I have some beer at home that I gotta finish so that I'm not tempted by it when I for real get serious about working out.

ps. Had this convo w/Rhasaan while writing this:

R: Whatcha doing?

Me: Writing.

R: About what?

Me: Yoga pants.

R: Nice!

Me: *shoots eyeball daggers*

R: What?! You look nice in yoga pants!

Me: I DON'T HAVE ANY YOGA PANTS! I have SWEATS!

R: ...