that last title should have been, 'if anything.'

Not 'It Anything.'

it anything...

... I should write in this thing cus I'm paying for it.

enough!

Yesterday, I was angrily washing dishes after having angrily eaten very lackluster takeout food that cost $38. I was kicking myself for having spent that much (granted, it fed 4 of us)+for having so many freaking dishes (there are only 3 of us living there most of the time) to wash.

I thought: I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

I shouldn't have brought home takeout (gummy, suspect chicken; slimy sauces; too much broccoli to serve as a filler to the 'meat' dishes - ARGH!). I should have made dinner. Or had some leftover from another dinner that I made during the weekend. I should have had a somewhat clean kitchen before we ate so cleanup wasn't such a hassle.

I was looking around my kitchen while R+I were eating at the table+Lorelai+Nyia were eating in the front of the house. Junky dinner, messy kitchen, rushed dinner, separate seating. Enough!

Then there were the dishes. The weekend dishes+the dishes from the crappy dinner. Too many dishes! ENOUGH!

Then there was no dessert. I'm not really a sweets person, but sometimes I want a piece of dark chocolate with some sea salt on it. There was none to be found. ENOUGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I've had enough.

I am a grown up with a kid. I'm still learning how to do things. I mean, Lorelai+I have made it this far without too many trips to the hospital or food poisoning. I somehow wrangled a hot+funny guy to move in+we mostly function like a family. His kids come over+it's hard at times but it is awesome. I'm happy. I'm grateful. Etc.

But, I'm not necessarily ok with how integral home things are going. I need to cook more. I need to spend less. I want cool furniture+a great bathroom+nice dishes. On a straw-that-broke-the-camels-back moment, while I was kinda scraping off the congealed ambiguous goo from the over-vegetabled meat dish last night, I came to the conclusion that I need to stop 'getting by' + I need to start 'settling in.'

I want evenings+mornings to be less rushed, because sometimes those are the only times during the week I get to see Lorelai (she goes to her dad's some weekends).

I want to cook more. I live with a chef. Like, a real live chef. But I NEED to know how to contribute in GOOD ways to what we eat. I mean. I've done fine, obviously. Lorelai ain't starving. But historically, we've eaten out at least once a week+the dinners that I make are so... blah. BLAH! Not unhealthy. Just, blah.

I want our house to be comfortable+inviting. It just feels like a college dorm right now. It's embarrassing at times, to me. GIVE ME COMFORT+WARM COLORZ!

How will I achieve this life change that I've totally blabbed about on here before?

With a list, of course! These are the things that came to me while I was scrubbing dishes+trying not to slam things:

• Shop at the farmers market. There's a few every week. We have some of the best food in the world here. I gotta use it. Shop at the store less.
• $10/day. This is for miscellaneous stuff that I buy throughout the day. Lunch, snacks, gum, magazines, whatever. I'm limiting myself to $10/day. What I don't spend, goes into a jar+goes back to the bank at the end of the pay cycle. I've done this before. It was a rewarding challenge.
• Buy for the long term. This is re: home stuff. Stop taking stuff cus it's cheap/free/cute.
• Make stuff: food, clothes, stuff for around the house.
• Slow down.
• CLEAN! Deep clean once/month. Less deep clean on the weekends. Maintain during the week.
• Keep chocolate around the house.

I'm almost 30. But from what I've read online (where everything is true+pure) I'm not alone in my... discomfort or whatever it is that gave me the itch to write this stuff down.

And if you can't tell or if you don't know me or if you care or even if you don't: I'm disappointed with myself. Not anyone else. We all pull our parts in our house: Me, Lorelai, R. But I want to and finally CAN do more. So. That's where this is coming from. Angry self-feelings. Crazy, angry self-feelings. I've had enough. Change can always happen. I want our home to be better cus it can. So. There's that...

true.

This thing isn't gonna write itself, huh?

more on running.

This past Tuesday+per the previous post: I ran for most of 15 minutes in borrowed Chucks at the Y.

I'M SORE! FROM TUESDAY! What have I done wrong?!

I want to run some more, but I can hardly get up from my chair+walk around without creaking+lumbering about. Oof.

I actually did run for a few yesterday. From the BART parking lot to the BART platform. I didn't want to miss my train. Missing the train by seconds makes me so very upset. So defeated. So, I ran. I was sore+huffing by the time I got to the platform, but I didn't miss my train. And I wasn't angry. Cus see: running anywhere usually makes me SO angry. So. Freaking. Angry. Angrier than missing the train, I'd say. Like:

"I can't believe I'm running cus I didn't leave work on time+I know that the train comes at a certain time so why have I allowed myself to get to the train just in time for it to close on my nose while the people inside have a momentarily sympathetic look on their face. Now I have to run to catch the train. Run. RUN! HOOF! GO! SWEATING! LOOKING LIKE A GALLOPING PREYING MANTIS! ARGGGGH! DYINGGGGGG!"

That's how I used to feel running.

Now, I think I'm on an upswing as far as the fitness goes. I'm in so-so shape. my smaller clothes (that I keep - DUH!) are fitting me. I ran on Tuesday, December 12. I ran again to BART on December 14+didn't kick people off of the platform cus I missed my train+cus I hate running.

When will I stop being sore? I'm ready for the treadmill again.